smile and shrug

…what else can I do?

Pink or Blue?

I am now at 20 weeks and am nearly dancing with anticipation of my scheduled ultrasound.  I WANT TO KNOW WHO THIS BABY IS!!!  Tomorrow is the day and I’m half expecting that little roo here will be facing the wrong way or be doing the “secret legs crossed” manuever and when I leave the appointment I’ll still be in the dark.  That would be so tragic!

Everyone I work with is just as anxious as I am to know – and even more exciting is trying to plan a really fun way to tell all the kids whether they are having a brother (my guess) or a sister.  I want this baby to be healthy, whole, and really it doesn’t matter if it’s a He version or a She version, so long as this roo grows healthy all safe and protected in my belly and then comes out into my arms at just the right time.  But it would be convenient to know what to buy!

I finally got to introduce my doula and my guy to each other.  It might be weird to say that my relationship with my doula is almost more important to me than my relationship with my guy, but right now I’ve known her longer than him and my innate level of trust and security is pretty darn high with her.  So I didn’t place much merit on whether or not he’d like her, or vice versa, but I was moved to a whole new level of comfort and confidence to have him totally rave about her afterward.  He was smitten with her calm competent nature and the overall vibe she  exudes.    This is going to go better than I imagined.

Now if baby will just cooperate tomorrow and expose those secret things to me…


Prompt: Something I love about myself

I love little baby ducks, old pickup trucks, little fuzzy pups, and life…

I remember learning that song in elementary school chorus about one gazillion years ago.   Well, maybe not THAT long ago, but still… it has stuck with me through being a teenager, a young mom, a mom of a high school graduate, a divorce, and now this pregnancy.  That isn’t what I love about myself, my recall of that song per se, but I wanted to share it with you.

I love THAT about myself.  My desire to share.  If I find something heart-touching, funny, inspiring, thoughtful – whatever – I want to share it.  And my joy when someone else loves it too, my joy for them, is real and true.

I’m not always good about sharing my actual cookies or ice cream – don’t get between a pregnant woman and her snacks, you know?  But sharing a song, a poem, a website, a joke – I’m all over it.  Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not sending those email chain letters, I’m not forwarding nastygram text messages to my entire contact list, I’m not even on any social media sites and “like”ing things.  I’m more real and subtle than that.  I’m more likely to find a show on Netflix and insist you watch it with me and then rejoice when you are as hooked as I am.  I’m more likely to sit you down and show you youtube clips like this one or this one just to hear you laugh.  I will tell you stupid knock knock jokes or give you song lyrics that will stay with you allllll day.  I will lend you books.  I like sharing, and THAT is what I love about myself.

Prompt: Something I hate about myself

It is easy to delve into the physical characteristics of myself and lay out the ugliness but I don’t recall myself being one to take the easy way very often.  Besides, at my age I’ve come to realize that even the things I think are ugly tend to have some sort of beauty to be found, and the physical becomes so much less important anyway.  Of couse, I say all that coming from a place where I fuss over my hair daily and spent 20 minutes with makeup and brushes and tweezers so how much weight do my words carry really?  Well, NOW we are getting somewhere!

I am also pretty good at picking apart my personality traits and finding plenty of choices for “hating”, and my general character has a few less than shiny pretty parts we could tear into as well.  That all can be kind of scary really – to lay bare your ugliest parts for the world to see – but yet isn’t that what we do on a daily basis? Anytime we leave the house and interact with people we chance exposure of our base nature.  Moments of stress bring it out even if we aren’t aware of it.

Rudeness and disregard for a cashier or a janitor, talking on the phone while conducting a bank transaction, rolling eyes at having to slow down for an elderly or handicapped person, offensive gesturing at “stupid” drivers in front of us.  None of those are our finest moments – well, they aren’t MINE anyway, but they do happen.  And that’s when I see the true ugliness of humanity, and of myself.

My focus lately has been on trying to be less myself even as I go about the business of myself.  I try to acknowledge, appreciate, be aware of everyone else around me.  It’s far too easy to be ugly these days.  And that is what I hate about myself, the temptation to be first, most, more valued, better, special.  Because let’s face it: none of us is.  We all do the same basic things: eat, eliminate waste, hurt, sleep, have bad breath, make mistakes.  So why should I be of any more importance than the janitor at my grocery store?  I hate that I can be so blind to all the people and all the life around me sometimes and be of such narrow vision.  I’m trying to see bigger.

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