smile and shrug

…what else can I do?

Prompt: Something I hate about myself

It is easy to delve into the physical characteristics of myself and lay out the ugliness but I don’t recall myself being one to take the easy way very often.  Besides, at my age I’ve come to realize that even the things I think are ugly tend to have some sort of beauty to be found, and the physical becomes so much less important anyway.  Of couse, I say all that coming from a place where I fuss over my hair daily and spent 20 minutes with makeup and brushes and tweezers so how much weight do my words carry really?  Well, NOW we are getting somewhere!

I am also pretty good at picking apart my personality traits and finding plenty of choices for “hating”, and my general character has a few less than shiny pretty parts we could tear into as well.  That all can be kind of scary really – to lay bare your ugliest parts for the world to see – but yet isn’t that what we do on a daily basis? Anytime we leave the house and interact with people we chance exposure of our base nature.  Moments of stress bring it out even if we aren’t aware of it.

Rudeness and disregard for a cashier or a janitor, talking on the phone while conducting a bank transaction, rolling eyes at having to slow down for an elderly or handicapped person, offensive gesturing at “stupid” drivers in front of us.  None of those are our finest moments – well, they aren’t MINE anyway, but they do happen.  And that’s when I see the true ugliness of humanity, and of myself.

My focus lately has been on trying to be less myself even as I go about the business of myself.  I try to acknowledge, appreciate, be aware of everyone else around me.  It’s far too easy to be ugly these days.  And that is what I hate about myself, the temptation to be first, most, more valued, better, special.  Because let’s face it: none of us is.  We all do the same basic things: eat, eliminate waste, hurt, sleep, have bad breath, make mistakes.  So why should I be of any more importance than the janitor at my grocery store?  I hate that I can be so blind to all the people and all the life around me sometimes and be of such narrow vision.  I’m trying to see bigger.

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