I can’t remember why.
I can’t remember the first day that I thought, “this can’t continue”.
I can’t remember the moment when things had gone too far.
I can’t remember WHY, and that seems the worst of it all.
I know the things that constitute why since then, but I don’t know the why that was then.
And that seems unforgiveable, to have lived thru this mess, survived thru it, seen the destruction and to be still picking up shards of my own broken self and yet not know WHY.
On this day, this day that will end with the start of a major spiritual religious holiday for so many people, I wish I knew why. I wish I could approach this holiday (which is not even mine to celebrate) with a heart of purity, repentence, and a longing for connection with my creator that was based in trust instead of dreading it’s approach filled with sorrow and grief and abandonment, with bewilderment and bitterness.
This day I have lost my ability to push and I will lie here in bed with my sorrow and wallow for a bit.
This day will pass.